Your wife hears the voice you hide at church

The people under your roof should not have to wait for company to hear your kindness.

If you have ever lowered your voice to answer the phone halfway through an argument with your wife, you know how quickly your tone can change.

The argument was still there, and you were still tired. But you found a civil answer for the person calling. The woman standing in front of you heard the change too.

We can become careful about how we speak to people whose opinion might cost us something. The boss gets an explanation. A friend gets time to finish. At home, the person who knows us best can end up carrying the temper we managed all afternoon.

Being tired is real. It is also a reason to pause before you make somebody else pay for it.

“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.” Colossians 3:19.

There is no exception in that sentence for a wife who has already heard your complaint twice. Feeling unappreciated does not release a husband from the command to love his wife. The command still applies when the conversation is difficult.

You can disagree with her. You can tell her that something hurt you. A soft answer can tell a hard truth. What you cannot do is treat contempt as a privilege you earned by marrying her.

And this reaches wives too. The Bible says, “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:32. Neither spouse gets to use the other person’s failure as permission to become cruel.

I want to make this practical enough to use before supper.

Let your spouse finish the sentence. If you are already preparing the answer while they speak, you may be arguing with something they have not said. Hear the whole complaint before you defend yourself against it.

When you were wrong, name what you did. An apology for raising your voice does not need a second half explaining why your spouse made you do it. Their conduct can have its own conversation. Keep this apology about what you did.

Watch the jokes you tell in company. If the room laughs at your spouse’s expense, being funny has cost somebody something. A husband who expects respect should be careful about teaching his friends to laugh at his wife. The same goes for a wife discussing her husband.

If you need time to cool down, say so and agree when to come back. Leaving somebody to guess whether you will speak to them tomorrow adds another hurt to the one you were supposed to address. Return and finish the conversation you paused.

None of this means pretending the problem is small. Some disagreements take time, help and repeated effort. Your spouse may not trust the first apology, especially if they have heard it before. Give them changed conduct to observe without demanding an immediate reward for it.

The voice you use at church can come home with you. The people who live there should not have to wait for a visitor to hear it.

Before the next conversation, consider what you need to apologize for. Then say it without adding an accusation.

P.S. For a closer look at the Bible’s teaching on headship, conflict and covenant, the four-guide Vault Sampler includes The King’s Marriage Manual, Red Version.

Already own the Sampler or full Vault? This guide is already included.