I wonder how many times you have agreed to do something while already knowing, deep down, that you didn't have the time, energy, or even the desire to take it on?
Someone asks for your help, and before you have had a moment to consider what is being asked of you, you have already agreed.
You rearrange your afternoon, move things around at home, sacrifice something you had been looking forward to, and somehow convince yourself that you really didn't mind.
You tell yourself that it was the right thing to do, that you should be willing to help, that a good Christian woman ought to have a servant's heart.
And perhaps some of that is true.
The trouble begins when you can no longer distinguish between serving from a willing heart and surrendering your life to the expectations of everyone around you.
I wonder how many women are carrying responsibilities they never should have taken on, simply because they were afraid of what might happen if they declined?
How many have learned to measure their goodness by their availability, their kindness by their willingness to accommodate, and their worth by how useful they can make themselves to the people around them?
We can become so accustomed to being the one who comes through, the one who makes things work, the one who says yes when everyone else has run out of time or energy, that the thought of disappointing someone begins to feel like a personal failure.
And somewhere along the way, we can lose sight of the fact that our lives belong to the Lord.
I think this is dangerous place for a Christian woman to find herself because so much of what feeds people-pleasing can resemble qualities we are encouraged to cultivate in Scripture.
We are told to be kind, to bear one another's burdens, to prefer one another in honour, to be hospitable, and to serve with love.
These are beautiful instructions, and I would never want to discourage a woman from developing a heart that is genuinely concerned with the needs of others.
There is something valuable about a woman who can be counted on, who sees a need and is willing to help, who gives of herself without keeping a running account of what she has contributed.
Yet I wonder how often we have allowed our desire to be helpful to grow into an obligation to always be available.
There is a difference between being available to serve the Lord and feeling obligated to satisfy every person who has an expectation of you.
One is an act of devotion; the other can slowly become a life governed by the approval of others.
When we begin making decisions according to who might be disappointed, who might misunderstand, who might be offended, or who might think less of us, we have given other people's opinions a place of authority they were never meant to occupy.
Galatians 1:10 asks a question worth sitting with:
"For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ."
Those are sobering words when you consider how much of our energy can be spent trying to keep everyone happy.
We may never say aloud that we need their approval, but our calendars, our conversations, our decisions, and even our private frustrations can reveal how much power we have handed over to it.
We agree when we are already stretched thin, volunteer when our own responsibilities are waiting at home, and take on the emotional burdens of people who may never have asked us to carry them.
Then, when we finally find ourselves weary and resentful, we wonder how we got there.
Sometimes I think we are afraid that saying no will reveal something unpleasant about us.
We fear someone will think we are selfish, unkind, unhelpful, or somehow less spiritual than they once believed us to be.
We may even fear losing a friendship or disappointing someone whose opinion matters deeply to us.
So we keep making room, keep finding a way, and keep telling ourselves that this is what love requires, even when our hearts are growing heavy under the weight of commitments we made out of fear.
And this is where I think we need to be honest with ourselves.
A yes given out of guilt is a very different thing from a yes given out of love.
When we agree because we cannot bear the discomfort of declining, our service has become tangled up with our need to be accepted.
We may still accomplish something good, and the person receiving our help may be grateful, but we have allowed fear to become part of the motivation behind our giving.
I think of Martha, whose home was filled with the presence of the Lord, yet whose attention became consumed with all that needed to be done.
Luke tells us that she was "cumbered about much serving" (Luke 10:40).
That description “cumbered about,” is worth considering.
Serving itself was not the problem, but something had happened in Martha's heart as she became distracted and troubled by the work before her.
I imagine many women can recognize that feeling, particularly those who have spent years trying to make sure everyone else is cared for, everything is in order, and no one has reason to complain.
We can become so occupied with meeting the needs around us that we begin to lose the ability to recognize which responsibilities the Lord has actually placed in our hands.
We take on things because someone asked, because we feel guilty, because we have always been the one to do it, or because we are afraid of what will happen if we step back.
Eventually, even good things can become sources of frustration when we have allowed our desire to please people to outrun our ability to serve with a joyful heart.
I am learning that there is a certain amount of humility required to say no.
It means accepting that someone may be disappointed with you, that another woman may have to step forward, that a need may go unmet for a little while, or that someone may misunderstand your decision.
It means being willing to let another person have an opinion of you that you cannot control.
For a woman who has spent much of her life trying to make sure everyone is comfortable, that can be a difficult thing to surrender.
I think we also need to remember that our homes, our marriages, our children, our families, and the responsibilities already entrusted to us deserve our attention.
We can become so eager to serve everyone outside our own four walls that we neglect the people who share them with us.
There is no virtue in being admired for how much we do for everyone else while the ordinary responsibilities of our own lives are left unattended.
The Lord sees the work that never receives applause, the care that happens behind closed doors, and the faithful attention given to the people and responsibilities He has placed nearest to us.
Perhaps one of the most freeing things a woman can learn is that she is allowed to consider a request before answering it.
She can pray about it, look honestly at her existing responsibilities, consider whether she has the time and strength to fulfill it, and give an answer without feeling compelled to write a lengthy explanation for her decision.
She can be kind and still decline.
She can love someone without being available for every need.
She can serve with a willing heart while recognizing that she is a finite person with a life, a family, and responsibilities of her own.
And when she does say yes, I hope it is a yes she can give with sincerity, rather than one she will spend the following week quietly regretting.
I keep coming back to Colossians 3:23: "And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men."
There is something wonderfully settling about remembering who ultimately receives our service.
We do not have to spend our lives trying to earn the approval of every person who crosses our path.
We can be faithful in the work before us, generous with what the Lord has given us, and willing to help when He gives us the opportunity, without allowing the expectations of others to become the measure of our obedience.
I hope we become women who are known for their willingness to help, their tenderness toward others, and their readiness to bear a burden when someone needs a hand.
I hope our families know they can count on us, our churches are strengthened by our service, and our friends find a faithful companion in us.
But I also hope we become women who have enough discernment to recognize when a yes is coming from a place of fear, when our desire to be needed has begun to govern our decisions, and when we are neglecting what God has already placed in our care.
There is a freedom in understanding that we can leave some requests unanswered, allow some expectations to go unmet, and trust that the Lord is quite capable of caring for people without requiring us to be everything to everyone.
Dear friend, I hope you never lose your willingness to serve.
The world has plenty of people who are concerned with what they can receive, and we need women who are willing to give.
But I hope your giving comes from a heart that is settled in the Lord, a heart that understands its responsibilities, knows its limitations, and has learned that obedience to God sometimes requires disappointing someone else.
You were never asked to be everyone's answer.
You were asked to be faithful with what He has placed in your hands.
Biblical Womanhood
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