Dear younger me in early marriage,
You are standing at the beginning of something holy, and because you are so young, so sincere, and so full of hope, you think holiness will feel softer than it often does.
You are in love.
Deeply.
Genuinely.
You have stars in your eyes and a ring on your finger and a heart full of plans.
You think marriage is going to feel like finally arriving.
Like all the longing, all the prayers, all the waiting have led to this one beautiful place where love settles everything.
And in some ways, it will be beautiful.
But I need to tell you something you do not yet know.
Marriage will sanctify you far more than it will satisfy you.
You think the hardest part is over because the waiting is over.
You think the challenge was finding the right man.
But the deeper challenge begins after the vows, when the real work of covenant starts pressing against your flesh.
You married a wonderful man.
You also married a sinner.
And he married one, too.
You did not marry a savior.
You married a man with flaws, blind spots, habits, immaturities, strengths, fears, and ways of seeing the world that will not always make sense to you.
He is not going to anticipate every need.
He is not going to always say the perfect thing.
He is not going to carry you emotionally the way only Christ can.
He is not going to be everything you hoped a husband might be in every season.
And neither will you.
That does not mean you married wrong.
It means you married human.
One of the kindest things you can do for your marriage is stop expecting it to save you.
Only Jesus does that.
You are going to be tempted, especially in those early years, to hold your husband up against an ideal that does not exist.
You are going to quietly compare him to what you imagined a godly husband would always say, always do, always understand.
You will feel disappointed at times, and because you are young, you may mistake disappointment for danger.
Do not do that.
Learn early that covenant is built with forgiveness.
Learn that love deepens when two sinners keep choosing each other through misunderstanding, irritation, stress, and ordinary disappointment.
Learn that some of the sweetest parts of marriage are not found in how perfectly you fit together, but in how faithfully you stay and grow.
And I need to tell you something else.
Submission is not humiliation.
You will have moments where this truth grates against your pride.
Moments where you want to lead because you think you see more clearly.
Moments where you want to press your point, prove your wisdom, or take the reins because it feels more efficient than waiting on your husband.
You will be tempted to think yielding is weakness.
It is not.
It is strength under control.
It is faith in the order God designed.
It is trusting that God sees your husband’s faults and still knew exactly what He was doing when He told wives to submit.
That command will offend your flesh at times, because your flesh wants control more than peace.
It wants to be right more than it wants to be righteous.
It wants to win more than it wants to build.
But there is a quiet strength in yielding that your younger self does not yet understand.
Submission will not make you smaller.
Pride will.
The world will teach you to guard your independence at all costs.
Scripture will teach you to lay down your life in love.
The world will tell you that being under authority diminishes you.
The Lord will show you that obedience brings rest.
You do not have to compete with your husband to be strong.
You do not have to prove your worth by resisting him.
You do not have to manage him, mother him, or silently supervise his every move.
You are not his savior, and you are not his Holy Spirit.
You are his wife.
That is a sacred calling.
And if you will embrace it early, it will spare you much grief.
There will be days when your husband disappoints you.
There will be days when you disappoint him.
There will be seasons where marriage feels far more ordinary than romantic.
There will be moments where you wonder if other couples have it easier, understand each other better, or somehow escaped the friction that you now know lives in every shared life.
They did not.
Real marriage is made in ordinary rooms.
In bills and babies and fatigue and forgiveness. In shared grief and inside jokes.
In apologies. In meals. In long nights.
In choosing to believe the best.
In refusing to keep score.
So when the honeymoon glow fades and real life steps into the room, do not panic.
This is where marriage actually begins.
This is where selfishness gets exposed.
This is where expectations get burned off.
This is where love grows roots deeper than feeling.
This is where two people begin learning how to die to themselves and live unto one another.
And this is where Christ will meet you.
Because marriage was never only meant to make you happy.
It was always meant to make you holy.
So, young wife, hold your husband with tenderness.
Give him room to be human.
Do not make an idol out of your expectations.
Do not punish him for not being Jesus.
And when the Word of God presses on your pride, do not resist it.
Let it shape you.
One day you will look back and realize the very things that once frustrated you were the tools God used to make your marriage strong.
The hard conversations.
The unmet expectations.
The surrender.
The repentance.
The growth.
You will learn that covenant love is sturdier and sweeter than the version of love you imagined at twenty.
And you will be grateful.
Love him well.
Respect him deeply.
Forgive quickly.
Submit joyfully.
And keep your eyes on Christ, because He is the only husband of the soul.
With much tenderness and a little hindsight,
Your older still married self,
Biblical Womanhood
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