Our wise preacher recently described two sins of the tongue in a way I will not soon forget:
“Gossip is what you say behind someone’s back that you wouldn’t say to their face.
Flattery is what you say to someone’s face that you wouldn’t say behind their back.”
There is a grave danger in both.
One tears a person down where they cannot defend themselves, while the other builds them up with words we do not even believe.
Both require a divided tongue, and both slowly poison the kind of relationships Christian’s should be building with one another.
James says the tongue is “a fire, a world of iniquity,” and anyone who has lived among people very long understands how quickly a few careless words can scorch something that took years to build.
Proverbs says, “A froward man soweth strife: and a whisperer separateth chief friends.” Proverbs 16:28.
That word whisperer feels especially fitting.
Gossip rarely comes marching through the front door announcing itself for what it is.
It arrives softly, often disguised as concern, prayer requests, discernment, or information we supposedly need to know.
We lower our voices a little, lean closer, and begin speaking about an individual who is not there to explain themselves.
Flattery works from the other direction, though the heart behind is every bit as dishonest.
Proverbs 29:5 says, “A man that flattereth his neighbour spreadeth a net for his feet.”
Flattery may sound kind, but kindness and flattery are very different things.
Kindness speaks truth with love.
Flattery says what will gain favor, preserve comfort, or keep us liked, even when we would speak very differently once the person leaves the room.
Young women especially need to learn this.
They need older women around them who will teach them that Christian friendship cannot be built on whispered criticism and syrupy praise.
A woman should know how to speak well of another woman when she is absent, and she should also know how to speak honestly and kindly when something needs to be said to her face.
That sounds simple until you put a group of women together.
Today at the zoo, we stood closer to a herd of elk than I ever remember being.
The bull elk was in rut, surrounded by five cows and their young, and the woman working there explained that when the calves are weaned, some will eventually be placed at other zoos.
I asked her what happens when a new female is introduced into the herd. Is there acceptance? Rejection?
She told me the bull generally does not care much.
The females are another story.
Sometimes the cows refuse to accept the newcomer and will make life difficult enough that the new female can be pushed away from food.
I stood there thinking how terribly familiar that sounded.
Women have their own ways of starving another woman out.
We may never shove her away from a literal trough, but we can leave her standing outside conversations.
We can share enough private history about her that everyone receives her with suspicion.
We can decide she is too different, too confident, too awkward, too attractive, too needy, too much of something, and slowly make it clear that there is no comfortable place for her within the group.
Sometimes we accomplish the same thing with smiles on our faces.
I am especially grateful this was not my experience when we came to North Dakota.
I was twenty-nine years old with five little children, plenty of baggage, and honestly not much to offer anybody except genuine friendship.
I was new.
I needed people.
And the women here brought me in.
They loved me before I had much history with them.
They made room.
They invited me into homes and conversations and ordinary life, and over time some of those women became woven so deeply into our family story that I cannot imagine these years without them.
Looking back, I realize they also taught me something about female friendship that I badly needed to learn.
I grew up in the South, and anybody from the South understands how complicated our manners can be.
We can wrap an insult in sugar, add “bless her heart,” and somehow feel we have made the whole thing respectable.
I had absorbed more of that than I realized.
I did not immediately know how to have close female friendships without some amount of talking about other women.
I am embarrassed to admit that now, but it is true.
I also knew the social usefulness of flattery, saying the pleasant thing because pleasant things keep everything smooth, even when your private opinion is completely different.
The women God brought into my life here showed me another way over time.
True friendship could survive honesty.
It did not require a common enemy to hold it together.
We did not need to dissect another woman in order to have something interesting to talk about.
There were enough things to discuss when Christ, family, marriage, children, Scripture, burdens, hopes, foolish mistakes, and ordinary life were actually allowed into the room.
That changed me.
And because I remember how deeply their welcome mattered, I have tried through the years to extend the same thing when another woman arrives.
Brew the coffee.
Bake the banana bread.
Put soup on the stove.
Move the laundry if you have to and let her sit down.
Learn her story before deciding what kind of woman she is.
Give her enough time to become known.
There is something very Christian about making room.
Romans 15:7 says, “Wherefore receive ye one another, as Christ also received us to the glory of God.”
That verse leaves very little room for female pecking orders.
Christ received us with full knowledge of what we were.
Surely we can give another woman a few cups of coffee before deciding she does not belong.
I think about this more now because I am watching my daughter-in-law enter the same sort of season I once did.
She is new to this state, new to this church, new to this circle of women, and I find myself praying that she will discover the same deep well of friendship I was given all those years ago.
I pray women will make room for her.
I pray they will learn her before they judge her.
I pray they will speak well of her when she is absent and speak honestly to her when honesty is needed.
And I pray she will become that kind of woman for the ones who arrive after her.
Because female friendship can be one of the richest gifts God gives us when our tongues are surrendered to Him.
Proverbs says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” Proverbs 18:21.
That is worth remembering before we speak about the woman who just walked out of the room.
Would I say this if she were still sitting here?
And before we heap praise upon the woman sitting across from us, perhaps another question is worth asking.
Would I still say this about her after she left?
Those two questions alone could save a tremendous amount of damage.
We need women whose words can be trusted.
Women who refuse the little thrill of knowing something private when it is not theirs to repeat.
Women who can compliment sincerely without manipulating.
Women who can disagree without recruiting an audience.
Women who make it safer for another woman to enter the herd instead of wondering how long it will take before somebody tries to starve her out.
I am grateful God placed women like that around me when I needed them most.
I hope I have become more like them.
And I hope the young women watching us now learn that there is something far more beautiful than being the woman who always knows the latest story.
There is the woman whose tongue can be trusted.
Biblical Womanhood
I wrote “When You Can’t Control It: A 6-Week Bible Study for Those Who Are Tired of Worrying, Overthinking, and Carrying Everything” for the friend whose mind has been working three shifts while the rest of the house sleeps.
You love your people, take your duties seriously, and have slowly begun carrying outcomes, hearts, decisions, and futures that God never placed under your authority.
This study is a fundraiser for this ministry.
The base price is $5.25, but you can choose to give any amount.
Giving over the baseline helps me put this in the hands of friends who cannot afford any amount.
Some of you have already generously given, and I’ve been able to bless a handful of ladies with this study free of charge.
